


How can you lose what you never owned?

by Onion_Girl28



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: F/F, Falling In Love, Second Chances
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-19
Updated: 2019-03-19
Packaged: 2019-11-24 07:52:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18162959
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Onion_Girl28/pseuds/Onion_Girl28
Summary: Olivia loves Dana and they both know it. The problem is Dana is afraid.





	How can you lose what you never owned?

**Author's Note:**

> Four things:  
> 1) I don't know why but I ship Olivia and Dana, they have great chemistry and I believe Dana Lewis was the best guest character on SVU.  
> 2) I hate Secrets Exhumed, Dana deserved better and in this fanfic that episode never happened.  
> 3) English is not my first language, I did my best to write correctly, but if something is wrong, please, correct me.  
> 4) This is my first (and probably only) fanfic, so if someone read it, I hope you enjoy :D

\- So you are married. - Olivia put the two plates on the table and sat on the free chair. Reaching for her friend’s arms across the table, she hoped to ease Dana’s feelings, after all she had been through.

\- Yeah. Married, two kids, a nice home… a pretty good life - the FBI agent said thoughtfully.

She took one of the plates and tried some of the food that Olivia insisted on buying.

Dana tilted her head and smirked, looking her in the eyes. Olivia mirrored the position and, for a second, the intensity of her look got her again.

\- Well, Ms. Benson, you never asked.

\- You never bring it up. - Dana shrugged but didn’t answer. - And yet, you got involved with Haley.

\- I never said that! - the answer was sharp than intended. - Don’t judge me, it’s complicated. I’m married and I love my husband, it’s just that we work better as friends.

\- So you’re married but you’re not in a “relationship” with your husband. You never told me.

\- Yeah... I think so.

\- I didn’t have to be a genius to see what was going on between you too - Olivia took another bit and lowered her voice. - And I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to understand.

\- What?

The detective didn’t answer and the silence filled the table, interrupted just by the sound of they chewing their food. They had danced around this conversation a few times, always getting the same result: Olivia being dumped by Dana.

\- What are you trying to understand? - With silence as an answer, she continued - We’re not going to do this.

\- I don’t get it, okay? You give a chance to anyone but me. You liked Haley, you got involved with her, you liked your FBI colleague, you got involved with him. You even considered that guy we met in some random bar. But not me. I like you and I want to be with you. More than the few nights you get bored and crawl up my bed to have some fun. It’s not just fun to me, you know it.

Dana, again, didn’t answer. She whispered something that sounded like Olivia’s name, but it was impossible to hear. Olivia didn't increase her voice or made a scene. Her voice was low and calm, just a normal conversation. The FBI agent would prefer to have her screaming on her face than hear such disappointment in her speech.

\- I know I sound like someone who can’t hear a no and move on. The thing is: I don’t have a no. You never said you don’t feel the same way as me. All I get is you avoiding the conversation with “I can’t do this right now, Benson”. You know you like me and I know it too, so what’s the big deal? Why can’t I have a chance with you?

Dana closed her eyes and thought about all the times that she had shown up at Olivia’s door, with a bottle of wine and no intention of leaving early. She remembered all the times that Olivia had asked the meaning of all that and, for some reason, she couldn’t lie. Every time she opened her mouth to deny her feelings, the words refused to come out.

\- You’re my friend, Benson, I love to spend time with you. - The detective rolled her eyes, saying that that wasn’t what she had asked. - I won’t risk it, your friendship, with a relationship that can ruin it all. I don’t have many friends and I refuse to lose one of the best.

\- You know what? I give up. I tried so hard to make you see you weren’t going to lose a friend that I’m tired of all this. I won’t be in love - (wait a minute, in love?) - with someone that doesn’t want to really be with me. So from now, you’re not welcome in my bed anymore. We’re friends, we’ll act like it. Just friends.

Olivia let the silence fill her brain. This hurt but it wasn’t the first time she wouldn’t be with someone she loved. Maybe, it was the first time she knew her feeling was reciprocated and yet… well, that was life. Maybe this was for the better.

\- Come on - she said, forcing a smile on her face. - You wanted to go to that bar and I want to dance. So let’s go.

 

********

 

Dana was dancing with a person she couldn’t see, the dance floor was dark and her friend’s figure didn’t allow the vision. Dana moves were gracious, and the tension that had settled on her shoulders, temporarily, disappeared.

That had been a month since the attack. Dana had decided to don’t let it defines her, go past this, and she was doing a good job. She knew this wasn’t her fault, that the only ones to blame it, was the monsters who had did it to her. But the tension was still there, a fragility that came to surface from time to time - the agent didn’t like to be seen this way - and Olivia noticed the way she holds the necklace until it was over.

And then came the kiss. It hadn’t passed even an hour since they conversation and Dana was already kissing someone. She knew the feeling to have the special agent’s lips, with all petulance and self-confidence, in your skin. This time it really felt like she had lost Dana.

\- “How can you lose what you never owned?” - She hummed.

She grabbed her drink and tried to ignore the scene, what, apparently, it was harder than she thought.

\- Are you alone?

The detective raised her head and stared into a pair of light eyes, brown skin, and curly black hair. The woman in front of her was beautiful, and her smile didn’t hide her interest in her.

\- I think you can say that - she answered with a quick glance to the dance floor.

\- Great. I’m Mindy - the woman introduced herself. - Can I buy you another one?

\- I’ll keep this one, thank you, but you can join me. I’m Olivia.

They engaged in a great conversation, and quickly Mindy’s hand was on her knees. Olivia decided that even if her heart was sored, she needs to allow herself to meet someone new, she wouldn’t get over Dana, but she wouldn’t be stuck in a “non-relationship” either.

 

“Why am I doing this?”, she thought still kissing someone she hadn’t changed a word. “She can see me and this isn’t right. Not after everything.” Dana freed herself from the person who she was dancing with - “what a great kisser” - and look at her friend. There she was, entertained with a beautiful woman. That old feeling, that she hadn’t experienced for a long time before Olivia, filled her chest and she got angry. She didn’t like to feel jealous, she didn’t like to feel weak.  

But around the detective, she felt all of these. Jealous, weakness, fear… she was always extremely exposed around her. And she also felt peace, kindness, and something too great to be nominated like this.

After visiting Ackerman, she thought she was going to Washington, to her husband. Somehow, she found herself on Olivia’s couch, revealing her anguish about it. She fell asleep with her friend still holding her hand. When she woke up next morning, Benson was sleeping on the floor, their hands still locked.

\- Come dance with me? - Dana stopped on the other side of Olivia, greeting Mindy with a little nod.

\- Go dance with your friend - Mindy said, seeing Olivia’s indecision. - For a woman as beautiful as you, I don’t mind to wait.

With a flirting smile to her new conquest, Olivia followed Dana. They danced and joke until they couldn’t take anymore.

When Olivia said goodbye, with Mindy in her arms, she saw a dark in Dana eyes that wasn’t there before.

  


********

 

\- I came to say goodbye - Dana said, entering her home without waiting for Olivia’s invitation.

\- Wait, what? - The detective said confused and a little bit in shock.

It had been a few weeks since their last conversation, and that she was, again drinking her bourbon as if they had talked the night before.

\- I’m going undercover in this investigation, so I’ll be gone for some time.

Okay, this was strange. Even if they had this all feeling thing unresolved between them, Dana never gave Olivia satisfaction over her investigations. Ever. Fear settled in her heart.

\- How much time?

\- Relax, darling. Just a few months. Soon I’ll be back, dragging you and your partner to a case again.

Yeah, really strange. They drank and talked and laughed as always. Dana presence always a great thing.

That was the last time they talked. After some years, Olivia had accepted that agent Lewis had forgotten her. The sad thing was she hadn’t forgotten her feelings about the agent.


End file.
